There are so many ways people react to the word “love.” People see love as a word only used on occasion, with no real potent force behind it, so as they see it as meaningless. Some people see it as a word used to drive others mad, or even make then happy, to an extent. You ask me what love is, and you get a whole new outlook, because, in the past year and +, I’ve found love means a whole lot more that that. As some know, some don’t, I didn’t grow up in the most warming of conditions for the 14 years I’ve lived this hell hole called life, and, I’d have to piece it apart in order to fully explain how you’d get a whole new meaning of love.

Breaking it into years, 1-3 or four, you could say I was as happy as a pig in shit, there was nothing I didn’t get, that I remember, I knew that my dad worked, and that I wrestled him every day before he went to bed before going to work again. Nothing was a problem, but then, that young, how could it be?

4-5 Nothing much happened, I became more aware about things, that I could get what I wanted, but, I was confused, because my dad once left home for 2 weeks. My mom said he was ‘Unhappy’ with the house. At that age, I couldn’t do anything but believe her. But, I did have a ‘girlfriend’ at the time. Her name was Kaitlyn, and she was, according to me, the coolest person ever.

6-7. The rough spot that I hit. I was living a good life, my dad still owned a multi-million dollar industry in the towing business, and, if I wanted a Porsche, or Mercedes-Benz by my 15th birthday, I could have had it. But no, emotionally, it was a time of hell. Arguments erupted, fights, you name it. My dad left again. It took my mom a fuking week before she told me he wasn’t coming back. I think I went into my room and cried for the rest of the damn day. Some time in here, I developed chronic depression, it’s a mental illness, but nothing like people would think. I think it was, besides that my grandfather and father had it, life came to me, too fast, too young to handle. No one noticed, my mom wasn’t doing anything work-wise, but didn’t have much time for anyone. She & my father met someone else. Both of which have had negative effects on my life from beginning to now.

8-11. These years, social, emotional, mental state of hell. If I knew what really was that young, I’d definitely take that option. I really wouldn’t talk, in school, no one knew a damn thing about me, so, it didn’t matter, I was the biggest failure social. I was picked on, tormented, ect. I saw my dad like, never at first, then, every two weeks, for the weekend. But, even then, no one guaranteed he wasn’t working. Then, he went on to marry Connie. That was nice and all for Josh and Zach, but, for me, it tore me in half. Just to see my dad with anyone else other than my mother? Impossible. I d her entirely. It took me 4 years at least to come to accord with her. Then, I had a stronger bond with her, than even my father. It was all good. But, you know, argueing, the stuff being broken, nothing too-serious. This time, it led to a real fight between my parents…I personally watched my step-mother get thrown into a wood door, break it, and punch my father back. The sink was broken. This was on fuking Christmas, it was great. And, it was all over Tyler, my piece- - -step-brother, who tore our family the hell apart. I can never forgive him, or his sister, Jessica. At the time, Josh, left the house, and walked well over a mile, being 10, with my little sister, who couldn’t walk, in Camden, to my mom’s house, because of the fighting. We drove around for at least an hour to find him. I hid under the table, I didn’t want to get in the car. I literally screamed at my dad the whole car ride. And, he wanted to hit me for it, but, he started crying. I learned later he spent time in jail for it. Nothing could reverse that scarring. Nothing. I started a mentality about , didn’t think it was such a bad thing. I started getting into fights, I think by Kindergarten, I was in more fights then my dad had been his whole life. I used to abuse my brother basically, I just couldn’t control my anger issues. It was about this time, that they sent me to counseling for anger-management. I couldn’t say it helped, I got into fights there, and told me to do things like ‘scream into pillows,’ and ‘talk it over.’ Why should I listen to them? Nothing an said to me anymore phased anything on me. I stumbled, hope was almost lost for me. I was also devastated because Kaitlyn broke up with me over this kid named Brian, who was, in 5th grade, 6ft tall. But, that was the least of my worries.

12-13. You wouldn’t know it, but I would have thought these to be good years. 6th & 7th grade, Somehow, I completely overrode my social mishaps, and became the almost like, the God in my class. Everyone knew me. I thought of all the girls in my school as good-for-nothing bitches, though. Yeah, I thought it was good. I’d get a girlfriend at every dance I went to. I’d be swarmed, and most of the time, the guys would get upset, because I just sat there and watched. This was great, but, it was over a mask. Every day, I came home to the same stuff. Same chores, same homework, teachers, fights, ect. At one point, if you knew me now, you wouldn’t think this even close of me, I had to the point, when I was 13, I had actually written a note, locked myself in my room, and had a knife on my arm, going to run down the main artery. I stopped, completely broke down, hid the note & knife, and made it look like I fell asleep, I cried so much. I’ll never think of it again. To this day, touching any knife re-instates that memory.

It was the worst point in my life. It was the first week in September, the same week I found that my very first concept of ‘love’ developed, and ended. Her name was Mary, and she nearly ended my life. I thought I loved her. But, as my friend now so clearly stated, she was in love with love. How to break that down? She needed to love someone, and tried so hard, she started to love the idea of love.

That’s how I felt. Had it not been for my mask, everyone would have been affected. The same year I broke my hand, and got into a fight with the same kid twice, and got taken out of management for making a kid bleed during a revenge attack in a basketball game. Things just weren’t looking good, not even close.

Late 13-now. You could say that, going into eight grade, I was the shyest, most psychotic little you’d even seen. First, my heart was broken, after Mary cheated on me, my dad and Connie were completely destroying me mentally, slowly, with their fights. I moved, and home-life was not so great. I came in, smiling, with a mask on, I couldn’t make a bad first-impression. Eh, so, you know, the whole stereotypical view on guys routine. I looked at all the kids, all of them at me, you know, that whole ‘you’re the new kid, and you have anyone you want’ type of mentality. From day one, I was known as ‘the hot know-it-all’ since, everyone thought I knew everything, because my old school was a year ahead.

One day a lunch changed all of my past, my life, everything, for next year and over. You see. I was in line for lunch, which I thought was totally awesome, the idea of a lunch-line? No way. I grew up in Camden, it was a ‘pack your own lunch’ deal. But, yeah. I had this lard behind me, his name was Brett, we called him chocolate pudding for the longest time, and, he picked on him for how he said ‘tomatoes.’ This kid Danny Higgins was in front of me, he was the first to introduce himself to me. Later on in the year, he was the most annoying little frick under the sun. I didn’t see her at the time, I didn’t even know her. She was in the other class. Her name was Bree. At first, I thought it was Brett who kept asking me those questions like ‘Where is he from,’ and ‘What’s his name.’ I thought he was either retarded, or gay. But, it was Bree, who was asking through him. This kid Pat really pointed me out to her, and from the first time I saw her, which, I looked at her, then away, luckily, I don’t think she saw me, I think I blushed. But, I didn’t think anything of it, until about 2-4 days later.

That lunch, she tossed a note onto my lunch-tray. All the guys started making fun of me, ect, I just shook it off. It had a little message, I still have it, I think, and it had her AIM. Later that night, I IM’d her. I was told she was very open, all that jazz from this kid named Dave Rammel. But, you wouldn’t think it after this conversation. So, I started talking to her, then, instantly, not even, damn, half a week. Everyone thought we were going out. But, October 17th, over the course of the beginning of the year, I asked her out. And then began a relationship that has roughed through more than some people couldn’t even dream about in their sleep.

As you know, that year, it was bummed out, and, as I became more social and open again, that depression started showing. I talked to her over the year, and she was there for me every time, no matter what the case, and I for her, she didn’t have the prettiest picture painted for a life, either. We both changed each other’s lives, from totally being destroyed, in every aspect possible, to a whole new person. She told me people said she has changed so much over the last year, I think that’s great. I brought out the person in her that hadn’t been seen. But, we’ve roughed through depression, fights, parents, rumors, stupid things, all these things that make us stronger as a whole in the relationship. I don’t regret any of those fights, or anything, not one. Because, we wouldn’t be as strong as we are today.

All that you just read, toss it out the window. It seldom affects me anymore, Bree took care of that. It all led me to her, in some way or another. Whether it be planning for the future, or settling a problem, making each other happy, doesn’t matter. Bree is the only person I’d do that with, for the rest of my life. She’s as vital to me as if she was my heart. I can’t live without it beating. Like I’ve told her before, and, it’s probably a quote that is going to be used in future generations as a pick-up line, but, who cares. “You’re the best thief I know, because you’ve stolen my heart.” I mean that entirely. Everything is there for her. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Now, can you think of a greater concept for love? I can’t. I can’t remember a day I haven’t thought of her since Oct. 17th, 2005.

Love - Clearly defined and told by David King.

Because it's you,
Whenever I feel lonely or like giving up
Or that I'd had enough, that it's true…
Babe, I love you.
- Styx

Any comments, message Bree on her mysapce, or IM me at InaccessibleMind. I'm almost always online.